![]() ![]() Sitting on the couch with the curtains open Add to that already tricky act of precision the fact that your other hand is engaged in a rhythmic pulsing motion and, well, you can see where we’re going with this. The other 98 percent are left mopping up, post-paint, with a cotton bud and the bottle of nail polish remover. Statistically, precisely 2 percent of the population* can paint their own nails without smudging the polish all over their cuticles. There’s far too much emphasis in schools, if you ask us, on not running with scissors try holding a pair of scissors while masturbating, and you’ll know the true meaning of accident and emergency. Who hasn’t eaten super-hot soup, straight out of the microwave, and burnt their chin? (Just us?) Imagine that tortuous pain on your nethers. Anyone who has ever chopped chilies and then placed said fingers in their eyes / mouth / orifices will know the searing agony of chilli juice on soft, vulnerable body parts. While, on the one hand (if you’ll excuse the pun), we’re impressed at anyone dexterous enough to chop chilies, one-handed on the other, we hope that you can see why this is a terrible, terrible idea. ![]() Really, need we go on? You can probably add your dad, siblings, best friends, colleagues… heck, unless you’re talking to your significant other with the very specific and acknowledged purpose of achieving orgasm – also known as phone sex – don’t talk on the phone while masturbating. Someone could walk in wouldn’t you rather go and get a nice coffee how could you concentrate anyway? But in reality, some people – who care not for their colleagues, their personal hygiene or their work ethic – masturbate at work. On the surface, it seems like a doozy: don’t do it. Working in an officeįor every seemingly bizarre, surely-no-one-does-this thing, there will be a Reddit thread proving that yes, in fact, (lots of) people do this. If you’re a total and utter doofus who decides to masturbate behind the wheel of your car, well, Darwin may have a word or two to say about you – but think of the poor fish van drivers who’ll be at the other end of your idiocy. ![]() Yep – that’s sitting behind the wheel of your car, feet on the pedals, hand on the gears, other hand on… THE STEERING WHEEL. ![]() Read on for the best sex toys on the market with noiseless motors and enjoy your me-myself-and-I time on the hush-hush later.With the news that a driver in the UK crashed her car – into a fish van, incredibly – because she was masturbating while stuck in traffic, we got to thinking: someone should compile a cut-out-and-keep guide to what not to do while masturbating.Īnd because we like to think of ourselves as the people’s magazine, we set to compiling the list – because while we’re big multitasking ( and masturbating!) fans, there are some things that require your undivided attention. From oral-sex stimulators to vibrators that double as jewelry, this list of the quietest vibrators ever includes options for stealthy masturbators looking to update their self-care practices. Luckily, it is possible to masturbate with a vibrator without alerting your live-in family members, suitemates, or the stranger who lives in the apartment next door to you. So, swap your noisier toys for high-quality, silent vibrators that don't make a peep. With all of that being said, a vibrator with the noise level of a megaphone can feel uncomfortable at best, especially when there are people on the other side of the wall. These aids can be especially beneficial for people who have chronic pain or limited hand or finger mobility. Vibrators, after all, were literally made to give pleasure-seekers access to types of sensations, patterns, consistencies, and intensities that the human body is simply not capable of providing itself. Generally speaking, sex toys can add a little spark to your handsy sessions, giving you an opportunity to explore new sensations. That's where the best quiet vibrators step in to silently save the day (or night). Even if you're not shacked up with your parents, there are plenty of reasons you might prefer not to have a violently buzzy buzzer - including thin walls and sex-negative roommates. The only problem? Sometimes vibrators can be far too loud, akin to the motor of a lawnmower. If you like to touch yourself the way a DJ fingers a disc, a high-tech sex toy might be the key to upgrading your sex life, whether you're doing a solo or partnered-up performance. ![]()
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